My Life as a Human. So far.

11:50PM - So I'm NOT immortal...

Yeah. Crazy, huh? And here all these years I had the idea I was. The neat thing is, it only took one night to show me the error of my ways. The thought that had, many years ago now, pulled up a chair in my head and settled in quite nicely was abruptly removed. No nasty build-up, no bottled, pre-formulated warnings. Nothing of the sort.

It's funny how your priorities can change so completely, isn't it? I used to like to go out and party; dance the night away, drink, etc. No more! I have two beautiful sons, and I'm *gasp* a married woman. Who'd have thought it?

As I waited for the ambulance the other night, I thought, "Man. My boys aren't going to have a mama. I hope Ray finds someone." I never want to have to think that again.

The good news is, it's not a fatal condition. It'll (hopefully) get under control, and I won't have to be scared shitless ever again. Although, I suppose that if it happened again, at least I'd know what it was. I don't think that'd make it better, though. Too much for me. Really.

Anyway, I'm okay. I'm still here. But, I'm not immortal. Who knew?

9:46PM - I finished a gift!

Here's the scarf and hat set I made; look look!! :)

TAH DAH!!

9:18PM - Where to begin?

Years ago I heard of this concept called "free association writing" and have been pretty much fascinated by the thought ever since. I tend to rely on my brain to just spit stuff out, and I do my best to keep up, especially when journal-writing.

It's been way too long since I've actually sat down and had some thoughts tumble out on their own. I don't know where this is going to end up, so hang on.

So I'm in school now. It's alright. The guys in my class aren't very serious about it for the most part, which leaves the atmosphere somewhat teenagerish in feeling. That bugs me. I'm there to learn, not to fuck around. The instructor is a sport; he lets them get away with a hell of a lot, but I guess they're adults, and that's that. Why should he run around chasing them, right?

Things at home are alright; yeah, just alright. Some days I wish I wasn't coming back here; I get so bored and feel so completely blah. I know it's nothing to scoff at, but I'm just Mommy here. Well, not *just* Mommy. I know what I mean. I've never been able to shake the feeling that I'm somehow supposed to be more, or do more, or something. Maybe it's just my youth smacking me in the head, and one day I'll see it as the fancy ramblings of a person not yet mature. Who knows. There's a few things going on with me that I don't really want to delve too deeply into, because well, I don't. They're confusing and guilt-ridden at the best of times, and I'm not sure something I want the whole damn world to know about. Just thinking about them makes me antsy and nervous, and excited, and nervous, and excited...see the pattern here? Anyway, I'm thinking it'll either all come to a head or it won't; only time will tell. I don't know what to say about things with Ray and I. They're certainly not bad, but they're not exactly exciting, either. Man, who knew that that relationship that was so exciting and fun and wild would become so flat and ho-hum? I'm sure they're all like that eventually; I guess I'd just hoped for a little longer of the butterflies and excited anticipation. Now when he's almost home it's more of a "I won't be here alone!" than a "I can't wait to see him!". That's somewhat scary. I don't know if that's 'normal' or if I'm honestly in trouble. Love is a funny thing. I love him, with all my heart. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if there's something I'm missing. I don't know if it's just a matter of changing things somewhat, to see if that brings 'it' back, whatever 'it' is. Who knows. Not I.

Supposed to go out tonight. Think it's a drinking night. As of late, I've been craving, of all things, a joint. I don't even like it, for God's sake. But have been wanting it. How weird is that? Probably no weirder than wanting to go out drinking, I guess. I dont know if it's that I want to be high, or if it's just that I want to be relaxed, and mellowed out, and feel somewhat rested. I'm so tired I can't even begin to describe it. Work, school, kids. Obviously I've bitten off more than I can chew. Not that this is something new for me. ;)

Had a neat conversation this morning. Made me think about the "what ifs" of life. What if I make a decision that I regret later? Will it be worth it at the time? What if I don't make the attempt, and never know? Will I regret *that* later? Man, why we don't come with little handbooks or manuals that explain everything nice and clearly, I have no idea. All I want is to do what I want to do and not worry about afterward. How mature is that, huh? ;)

Okay, this whole entry is no doubt going to read like a jumble of nothing to me later, so I'm going to stop here. I feel better, though, somehow. Cool.

6:52PM - My last life?

<td bgcolor="#000000">Username:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Zodiac Sign:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Favorite Colour:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Last Life:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Musician </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Attendants at Funeral:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">17</td></tr>

Previous Life Meme by quill18
Created with quill18</a>'s MemeGen!

Now, who knows if this is the truth, but it looks neat. Especially the musician part. ;) Thanks to Pam for helping me become addicted to all her little quizzes/generally silly things. ;)

WHAT A DAY!! Ray went to the bank, and we'll find out tomorrow if the loan for my tuition/various school expenses went through. I could just throw up, waiting. This is it, the last chance!

Is wanting to go to school for a year so much to ask? Cripes, the way my luck with it has been running, you'd think so. :( To those who say, "Oh, there's always next year." I say this: PISS OFF! I don't want to do it next year, I want to do it THIS year! *stomps* Isn't it amazing how when *you* want something, no one thinks it's a big deal, but if *they* want something, the world is supposed to stop and let them have their way? Family can *really* suck, I tell you.

In other news, the weather has REALLY improved; I can breathe without sucking back a puff off of my puffer every hour or two for the first time in three days. What a welcome change. My poor lungs don't much like humidity. Today was nice; breezy, cooler, and not NEARLY as humid. :)

Congrats to my freaky sister on her successful XP upgrade; what'dya know, darlin'! You got it just in time for the worm. ;)

More later. Maybe. :)

8:09AM - Bah!

I have no idea what's changed in the last hour or so, but I'm seriously in one pissed off, cranky mood. It doesn't seem to matter what I read or think about, I'm just in a nasty, hate the world, wish it'd go away sort of place.

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but here we go: I call Shelley what, at LEAST once a day. I've noticed as of late that she doesn't have time for me. Now, while this is all fine and good, the thing that pisses me off about it is that I have spent literllay HUNDREDS of dollars on long distance calling her while she was home sick, then in the hospital sick, I've been her fecking therapist for the last 4 years, and suddenly, out of the blue, SHE DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR *ME*?! I'm the one who's listened to her rant and rave and complain about her relationship, about what a loser/abuser/useless twat her husband is for what, almost 5 years? I've tired of it, but I've always been there if she needed a shoulder to cry on.

So I call her yesterday, and basically any day in the last month, and it's always, "Just a second." or "Hold on". Now, I'm calling her and PAYING for the calls, since they can't manage to hold onto their money long enough to actually pay a bill and allow themselves the 'luxury' of long distance calling. I inevitably end up saying, "I'll just call you later." and hear, "Oh could you?" Okay. If this isn't a good time (which I always ask at the beginning of the call..) then say so at the fucking beginning, rather than letting me spend yet MORE money on you. But you know the kicker? She asks me ALL the time, "Do you think you'll get up this way today?" If I sat down and tried to figure out how much money I've spent on gas to travel up there in the last year, I'd probably just break down and cry when I saw the enormous amount. Every trip I take up there costs between $10-$20, and with the exception of since Layne was born (so basically, the last 2 months), I'd been doing it a MINIMUM of once a week, but usually more. She's been here, oh, I'll say 3 times. I'm being generous.

She was down here on Friday for Bailey's 2 month appointment; didn't stop in, as usual. Now I realize her parents took her down, but Jesus, they're my aunt and uncle. Surely they could handle being in my company for a half an hour?

I just feel totally unimportant and used by her. Simple as that.

Enough whining.

4:39PM - And so it begins...

Okay, so this is the beginning in what may or may not become a daily thing. I'll attempt it, but depending on the kids, who knows, right?

Today, today...well, Caleb is gone with Bernie and Lori, which has provided a MUCH needed break for me. I get to the point with him that I'm just ready to throw in the towel, some days. Love him, that's for sure. But he's honestly an awful lot to handle when he gets into auto-destruct mode.

Layne has been crankier than usual, but between the ridiculous heat and the fact that he's not slept as much as normal, well, I suppose that's to be expected. Ray just took him up to visit with the neighbors, so *gasp* it's QUIET here! I'm, that's right...ALONE. Apparently it IS possible for me to be alone without the world coming to an end. ;)

Thanks to Pam and Karabi for the introduction; this should be a much-needed dumping ground, I think. :) Sometimes it makes more sense if I write it down, or in this case, type it out.

Until we meet again, sweet ones!